How do different cultures celebrate mistakes? What can children learn from ‘failing better’

When mistakes are followed by anger, shame or punishment, children may learn that errors are dangerous and not okay. Why do mistakes hurt so much?

Most kids do not fear mistakes because of the mistake itself; they fear what happens after that. They fear what a mistake means, and a wrong answer can quickly turn into thoughts like “I am not smart”, “Something is wrong with me”, or “I should be perfect all the time” [3,4] . Psychologists call this internalisation, which is when outside messages are taken and turned into beliefs about themselves. When mistakes are followed by anger, shame or punishment, children may learn that errors are dangerous and not okay. Over time, the body can start reacting to mistakes with stress responses, such as a tight chest, a racing heart, or feeling frozen. This means that how one responds to mistakes in childhood can influence how strongly people react to stress later in life [7] .

Culture, Mistakes and Emotional Safety

In Japan, mistakes are often treated as useful feedback and an opportunity to learn something [9,12]. Teachers may focus on incorrect answers and calmly explore why they happened, instead of quickly moving on or pointing out who was wrong. Parents may not get angry if a child breaks a bowl. Instead, they may turn it into a ‘kintsugi bowl’ activity that symbolises finding beauty in imperfection, resilience, and healing or connect it to the Japanese aesthetic of ‘wabi-sabi’ [5] . Research shows that this approach reduces shame and encourages learning and persistence. Children learn to separate what they did from who they are and might help the brain learn that mistakes are an opportunity to learn, and the body to feel safe enough to make mistakes [14] .

In the United States, children often hear the phrase ‘mistakes are a part of success’ or ‘failure leads to success’. This message can be empowering and permit children to try [4]. But it is not always supported by what children experience every day. Grades, rankings or test scores and being compared to classmates can make mistakes feel very public and risky due to the fear of judgement. Psychologists explain that when children receive mixed signals, such as praise for effort but embarrassment for mistakes, it can create confusion [7]. Children tend to internalise the belief that mistakes are acceptable in words, but not in real situations that matter. For some children who are more sensitive, inconsistency can increase anxiety, some may try to be perfect to avoid mistakes, while others may stop trying or challenging tasks altogether, fearing the emotional price they pay if they get things wrong [7].

In India, families and classrooms link academic performance to ideas of respect, responsibility and future stability [10].  Doing well in school is seen as a way to secure a good life and make the family proud. Because of this unspoken pressure, like the pressure of letting their parents down, the pressure of doing it all in the right way, and the pressure of not making even one mistake because one wrong step could affect their future or disappoint adults and the community they have, even small mistakes can feel extremely heavy for children. From a trauma informed perspective, this doesn’t mean that families are always uncaring or harsh with kids. In a lot of cases, the academic pressure also comes from deep concern or love and a desire to protect the children from hardship. Still, children may internalise this belief that approval, safety, and affection depends on constant success. Over time, in adulthood these internalised beliefs can lead to anxiety, harsh self-criticisms, or avoiding difficult tasks altogether – not because of lack of ability- but because of fear of making mistakes [10]. This emotional unsafety around mistakes hinders the growth of an individual [2].

What Happens When Kids Internalize Failure?

When children repeatedly experience mistakes as unsafe, children do not just fear failure. They begin organising their behaviour, emotions and relationships around avoiding it. Failure can start to feel permanent and personal, instead of something temporary that passes [1]. Children may become extremely aware or hypervigilant, may not be able to take criticism and constantly may check whether they are ‘doing it right’ or may seek reassurance before taking even small risks. This behaviour can also reduce the satisfaction that usually comes from getting a task done or achieving a goal. Instead of feeling proud or relieved, they may quickly move on to the next task and worry about that. This can trap them in the same worry loop .

Over time, these patterns often stay with them. Therapists frequently notice that adults who grow up in environments that are mistake-intolerant struggle with decision making, self-trust, or setting boundaries [8]. Some adults may push themselves constantly which may tie their sense of self to productivity and some may quickly avoid uncertain things. In both these cases, the problem isn’t the mistake itself, but the fear of failure that might lead to emotional loss such as rejection or shame.

A Trauma-Informed View of Failing Better

From a trauma-informed perspective, this repeated emotional stress in childhood can teach the brain to stay on high alert and think that mistakes are the ‘end of the world’ and makes our bodies feel like it is unsafe to do so [1] . In survival mode, the brain focuses on stress and danger instead of learning. Learning becomes harder. Instead of growing and adapting, the energy goes into protecting themselves. This learnt and unsafe internalisation then may lead to negative self talk, isolation, stop challenging themselves, not holding oneself accountable, or not learning from mistakes in adulthood. And this unsafe environment makes it difficult for adults to mold themselves into being kind, independent and confident human beings and restrict growth [2] .

A trauma informed approach shifts the pattern by gently asking one important question: “does this experience feel emotionally safe?”. For children, emotional safety is often yearned for from their primary caregivers and adults around them [11]. Emotional safety with respect to mistakes looks like adults responding with calm instead of anger, treating mistakes as something to talk through rather than punishing and shaming, acknowledging the child’s feelings instead of brushing them aside, and after processing the emotions, supporting and encouraging them to bounce back after failure or mistakes [8]. These responses help the children understand that making a mistake is not putting their safety, worth or relationships in danger. These responses reaffirm to children that they have the love and support required. Research shows how the brains of children stay open to learning, reflecting and thinking and out of a survival mode if they are supported after making mistakes [1]. Stress levels go down, the child-like curiosity that is once killed, again emerges, and memory is improved. Mistakes stop feeling like emotional threats and become opportunities for self-trust and growth, even if it is not linear.

Growth Mindset, But With Care

The idea of a ‘growth mindset’ teaches children that abilities are not fixed and can improve with effort and practice [3,4]. This is encouraging when children feel stuck or discouraged, however therapists caution that this could pressurize children to ‘stay positive’ or quickly get over difficult and big feelings after a mistake. Trauma-informed counselling suggests that a healthier version of growth mindset also includes kindness and patience. It allows kids to feel disappointed, frustrated, upset when things are wrong and teach them how these are not signs of weakness. They are a part of learning [13]. Research suggests that when children are given space and time to process their big emotions first, they are better able to reflect, try again and actually grow. Emotional safety comes before improvement, and it is the most humane thing to want in life.

How learning to ‘fail better’ helps in adult life

Children who grow up with the mindset that mistakes are survivable, often carry it into adulthood. As adults, they are more likely to try new things without overwhelming fear, listen to criticism and feedback without shutting down or becoming defensive, and recover more quickly after setbacks [13]. They may also develop a softer inner voice that speaks to them with kindness and not in a harsh tone or language. Failing better doesn’t mean that these adults do not fail or fail less. It just means that the mistake or setback is externalised and does not break their sense of self. The emotional cost of mistakes is lowered and that makes it easier to learn, adapt and move forward [14].

What can kids take away from this?

From understanding how different cultures and adults respond to mistakes, children can learn a few important things. First, mistakes do not define you and a person. Second, feeling upset or failing is normal, allowed and the most human thing. Third, learning works best when you feel emotionally safe. And lastly, you can choose ways of thinking about failure that help you grow. Making a mistake is not about feeling fearless or perfect. It is about knowing that you are still worthy, capable, valuable, enough and loved, even when things go wrong.

Authors: Khushi Shah, FLAME Alumna, and Prof. Moitrayee Das, Faculty of Psychology, FLAME University.